Faith

What if I died today and that was it? No heaven, no hell, no nothing. Just the end.
Something that crosses my mind time and time again and the only thing that keeps me holding on to life and fearing death is the fact that I don't know the answer. The point of living. The unsureness of death. What a frustration not to know.

to the deaf ear

What would we do, babe, if texts and e-mails didn’t exist? Heck, what would we do if facebook didn’t exist?... besides be miserable and not know one another or be able to function together comfortably. You know, I kind of think it would be hard, but then things like what Im doing now, and how we wrote through the mail when I was away shows that either way, we would be the freekin’ bomb passionate pair. For some reason, writing to you makes me feel so alive and it feels so rejuvenating every time I get to read your thoughts in your writing that you write to me. It makes me feel like im with you then somehow. Its so crazy because I’ve never thought the way I think now nor have I ever felt the way I always feel now and I know for certain that it is because of you. It scares me sometimes so much that I want to go back to the way that I used to be. Keeping that distance and withholding that trust so that I don’t have to risk so much of myself and my heart. But I think of what all I have to gain and how much of a benefit I can be to you and realize even with such a great risk its worth it because you and I, even in the worst possible scenario, could still end up being the best blessing or even life experience to one another…one thing is for sure though, I don’t want you to just be a good life experience that I went through. I want to still be with you years down the line and grow in life with you and because of you.

Just thinking about you babe, this is the type of stuff I think about whenever im texting you, “thinking of you”. Ill tell you about my week and the crazy lessons I learned and saw later this week. Keep me in your mind and on your heart baby, I will keep you in my prayers and on my heart too.

 later hon,

another sleepless night

I’ve always had trouble sleeping.

Somehow this has managed to shape a big part of who I am and why I think the way that I do.

I still remember lying in the queen sized bed head to foot with three of my sister and my parents laying in the same room awake late night, while we all lay sleeping, whispering. Planning and worrying about where the next meal was coming from or how the bills were going to get paid. They lay there thinking of alternatives to raising all of us and how they would manage to make it. They were so young and had no idea at the time how and if they would ever make it with all of us. The sad thing was that I’de lay in my spot on the bed silently awake in the worry with them. As a child I heard the desperation and despair in their voices and I felt it with them as I lay unable to rest late in the night.

Over the course of my childhood, I’de watch them put up the front, for my sake and for my siblings sake. I watched my father work hard on multiple jobs before the sun came up until after the sun went down; while I watched my mother gather us all up and take us with her on her errands to pay the bills, plan for dinner, prepare for our school and prepare for her own education and career….